


i feel the pressure blowing up

by peterparkser



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: First Kiss, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Misgendering, Panic Attacks, Post-Squip, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Male Character, Trans Michael, Trans Michael Mell, for someone who has panic attacks on the fuckin daily im so bad at writing them, gayer than originally intended, idk man, lmao (lamenting my anguish online), okay so im kin with michael and this is p much just me venting, pretty graphic maybe?, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-16 17:15:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11833338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peterparkser/pseuds/peterparkser
Summary: "Michael? Michael, it's 2am, what-?" Jeremy was interrupted by choked sobs."J-Jere, fuck, I-I'm-""Mikey? What's wrong?" Jeremy sat up in bed, rubbing his tired eyes. "Is this a panic attack?"





	i feel the pressure blowing up

The rain was too loud. His racing thoughts were too loud. Michael wasn't sure when he started crying.

_Get out of my way. Loser._

The boy let out another sob, scrunching his eyes shut and tugging at his hair.

"Shut up," he mumbled at his own thoughts, tears spilling from his closed eyes, making tracks down his round cheeks. 

Michael knew he was being stupid. He knew that Jeremy didn't hate him, that things were good between them. 

But what if Jeremy was just pretending? What if he just felt sorry for him? What if he was with Christine right now, laughing with her about how much of a fucking loser Michael was? 

His heart felt like it was beating so fast it would burst out of his chest. The room was dark and hot and his hair was beginning to stick to his forehead with sweat. He was vaguely aware of the binder constricting his chest, but he didn't care enough to take it off. He wanted to call Jeremy, to hear his voice, ask him if he hated him. But he couldn't. He didn't want Jere to worry, didn't want to bother him with this. He deserved this. If he hadn't held Jeremy back all those years, hadn't been so needy, hadn't-

Michael realised he couldn't breathe.

_Fuck_. Fuck, fuck, fuck, not again.

Please.

He felt the panic settling in his stomach, like someone had set off a bunch of fireworks in his abdomen. He tried to slow his breathing. Really, he did. Tried every single technique the guidance counsellor had taught him the time he had a panic attack because his economics teacher had called him a "she" in front of the whole class. Jeremy had been the only person who could calm him down. Jeremy. Jeremy Heere, who was always the person who Michael dumped his shit on. Who deserved so much better than Michael Mell, an anxious mess who was nothing more than a burden. Nothing more than some stupid girl that weighed people down, held them back. His breathing was speeding up even more. Short, shallow gasps that made his head feel like it was about to burst. His ribs were fighting against the binder under his red hoodie, stopping him from catching his breath. He needed to get up, move, anything. He tried to stand up off of the red beanbag, but his legs almost immediately gave way, the room spinning around him. He had given up making an effort to keep quiet now, his chest was heaving with every choked sob. His head was throbbing. 

_Move it._

"Or you'll what?" Michael whispered to the empty room.

_Get out of my way. Loser._

_Get out of my way. Loser._

_Loser. Loser. Loser. Loser._

He remembered the anger and hatred in Jeremy's voice. Remembered the way his entire world seemed to collapse around him as Jeremy pushed him to the bathroom floor. He felt the cuts on his knuckles, still not entirely healed from when he shattered the mirror with his fist. He should really apologise to Jake about that.

He needed Jeremy. Now. He crawled towards the bed in the corner of his bedroom, reaching for his phone. No new messages. His lockscreen was a photo he took of Jeremy at McDonalds. He was smiling at something on his phone, about to shove a handful of fries into his mouth. Michaels chest tightened at the boys smile. He was probably sleeping now. The boy hated himself for even thinking about calling Jeremy this late at night, for being this selfish. He swallowed, hard, and tapped Jeremy's name.

No answer. Fuck.

"C-C'mon." He tried again. And again. And again.

Fifth times the charm.

"Michael? Michael, it's 2am, what-?" Jeremy was interrupted by choked sobs.

"J-Jere, fuck, I-I'm-"

"Mikey? What's wrong?" Jeremy sat up in bed, rubbing his tired eyes. "Is this a panic attack?"

"Y-Yeah, I-I think so? F-Fu-ck, I'm so s-sorry, just- go back to slee-"

"No, Michael. Where are you? Are you at home?"

"M-Mhm."

"I'm coming over."

"No! P-Please, I- I sh-shouldn't have called, I'm s-sorry-"

"Michael, shh, it's okay," Jeremy said softly into the phone as he climbed out of bed and searched around his messy bedroom for his converse. He kept whispering things to Michael trying to comfort him until he found his car keys in his school bag, until he had managed to climb down from his bedroom window and get into the drivers seat of his dads car. "Okay, listen to me Michael. I need you to unlock your bedroom window so I don't wake your parents coming in the door. I need to hang up now, okay?"

"O-Okay."

"I'll be there in 10 minutes." Jeremy hung up the phone and sped out of the driveway, leaving Michael alone with his thoughts again.

 

He moved over to the window, opening it for Jeremy to get into his room. 

_He doesn't care. Why would he? He's popular now. He's got so many friends, he doesn't need you any more. He's got Rich, and Jake, Christine, Jenna, Brooke, Chloe._

He was sobbing again. He collapsed into the beanbags in the middle of the room, pulled his hood over his head and put his hands over his ears, foolishly hoping that would be enough to drown out the thoughts in his head.

_It would be better for everyone if you just fucking died. You don't deserve someone as good as Jeremy. How many times have you done this now? Cried on his shoulder, made him pick up the pieces after you had another one of your stupid fucking breakdowns. You're worthless. You should just slit your fucking wrist open right now, and do everyone a favour._

Jeremy pulled into the Mell's driveway, closing the car door behind him. He climbed onto the front porch, which was under Michael's open window. He pulled himself into Michaels room, leaving the window open. Michael was curled up on the beanbags they sit in when they play Apocalypse Of The Damned. His entire body was heaving with every breath. Jeremy ran over to him, touched his shoulder lightly. The smaller boy jolted at the touch.

"Hey, it's me. It's me." Michael sat up and looked at him, and Jeremy felt his heart break. The boy was a mess, his hair was soaked with sweat, and his entire face was red. His eyes were puffy from crying. 

"J-Jeremy," Michael cried, "Jeremy I'm so sorry-"

"Shh, it's okay, it's okay." Jeremy pulled the boy into a hug, wrapping his arms around him tightly. He pulled away when he felt how warm the other boy was, and put his hand to his friends forehead. "Jesus, you're burning up. Here, let me help you take this off..." Michael lifted his arms up as Jeremy pulled his hoodie off of him. They felt like lead, they were so heavy. Normally, Michael would be embarrassed considering he was in front of Jeremy wearing only his binder, but he was too tired to care. 

"Holy shit, Michael, you shouldn't be wearing this! You could have hurt yourself-" The last two words caught in Jeremy's throat as he grabbed Michael's wrists and turned them upwards. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw only old, faded scars. "Okay, hold on..." Jeremy stood up and walked over to the wardrobe in the corner of the room. Most of the clothes in there were t-shirts that Michael had 'borrowed' from him. He took his Star Wars shirt off of its hanger and handed it to Michael. "Look, I'm going to go downstairs and make you a cup of hot chocolate. Extra marshmallows. You take that binder off and put this t-shirt on for me, okay?" He waited until Michael nodded his head before he made his way downstairs.

* * *

"Jeremy Heere, please make your way to the nurses office as soon as possible." The nurse spoke over the intercom. Jeremy gathered his books and walked through the corridors of the high school until he found himself at the nurses office. He knocked on the door and the nurse opened it almost immediately.

"Mr Heere, good. I haven't been able to calm her down." Jeremy entered the room and saw his best friend sat on the bed, breathing shakily and staring at the wall.

"Him." Jeremy corrected as he sat down next to Michael. "What's wrong?"

"S-she called me 'she', in front of everyone- they all- they all know, Jere, I can't-"

"Hey, hey, hey, it's okay. It's okay." Jeremy grabbed Michaels hand, rubbing small, calming circles on the back.

* * *

 

He sat with him for half an hour, rubbing circles on the back of his hand and stroking his hair. It took half an hour for Michael's breathing to slow down enough for him to form a coherent sentence. 

"Jeremy?"

"Yeah?"

"D-Do you hate me?" 

"What? Of course not, why would you ask me that?"

"Cause all I do is hold you back. Maybe your SQUIP was right, I'm just weighing you dow-"

"Don't say that, Michael. I probably wouldn't be here without you. Remember- Remember when my mom left? And I almost-"

"Stop. Please."

"I'm sorry, look, just- please don't ever think that I hate you. I don't."

"You should."

"I could never hate you. I love you."

It took Jeremy a second to realise what he'd just said. 

"I-I love you too."

"For real?"

"Yeah." Michael laughed slightly and Jeremy felt as if the sun had just came out in the dark bedroom.

"Okay but like... 'no homo' love or-?" Jeremy asked uncertainly, and Michael laughed harder.

"Oh, my god, dude. Shut up." 

And then they were kissing, and it felt like the past 2 hours hadn't even happened.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> okay can i just.. apologize. cause this was probably terrible.  
> Also apparently it took me like 3 hours to write this which is why the ending is so shitty.  
> its WAYYY too late for me to be bothered with spellchecking this, so sorry for any mistakes.   
> Please leave kudos or a comment telling me to never write again lmao


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